i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
