Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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