How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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