PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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