Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
