I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
