I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
