What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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