he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
