I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
