he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
