My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
