some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I feel like death gave me a hand job
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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