I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
