when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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