I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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