Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
