I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
