Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
