Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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