all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
