K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
