I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
