there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
