Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
