You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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