my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
