So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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