I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
