based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
