THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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