I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
