my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
