I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
