You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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