I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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