Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
