dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
