He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I fill condoms, not promises.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
