Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
