Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just gift wrapped bread.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
