I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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