TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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