No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
