o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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