Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
