11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
