I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
