My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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