We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Randomize
