while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
