I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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